💜 When the Accuser Looks Away: A Gentle Conversation on Abuse

⚠️ Trigger Warning: This blog discusses abuse, gender-based violence, and trauma. It may be distressing to some readers. Please take care of your heart while reading and pause or step away if it feels too heavy. Your safety, emotional and physical, always comes first. 💛

“We stand in the shadow of shame while the abuser wears the sun. It’s time to turn the lens the other way.”

“When silence breaks, truth begins to breathe, and healing finally finds its way home.”

Hey Sunny, 💛

There’s something unbearably painful about how the world reacts to victims of abuse. Instead of asking “why did they hurt you?”, people are too eager to ask, “why didn’t you leave?” or “why didn’t you speak sooner?”. And in that instant, the victim becomes the story, while the abuser hides safely behind society’s silence. We live in a world that romanticizes resilience but punishes vulnerability. A world that finds it easier to question the broken than confront the breaker.

That’s why so many victims stay silent, not because they don’t want to be free, but because they know what happens when they try to be. They know that people will turn pain into gossip and courage into blame. This November, as the world shines a light on Gender-Based Violence Awareness Month, I want us to shift the spotlight. To stop asking why they stayed and start asking why they were hurt in the first place. It’s time to hold abusers accountable. To name the harm. To stop protecting cruelty disguised as love.

🌧 A Brief History of Abuse: The Many Faces Behind the Mask...

“The oldest stories were written on bruised skin and whispered through trembling lips.”

Abuse is not always loud. It doesn’t always come wrapped in bruises or shouted in rage. Sometimes, it wears the face of care, the friend who controls you “for your own good,” the parent who silences you “because they know better,” the lover who apologizes with flowers after cutting you down with words.

Historically, abuse has existed in every society, once hidden beneath patriarchal norms, family traditions, or fear. It’s often dismissed as discipline, love, or loyalty. But abuse, in its truest form, is the misuse of power. It’s when someone takes control, of your emotions, your mind, your body, your voice, for their own benefit.

And here’s the truth many misses: abuse doesn’t only happen in romantic relationships.

It can come from friends who constantly belittle you or guilt-trip you into submission.

It can come from family members who emotionally manipulate you or use love as a weapon.

It can even come from strangers; online bullies, predatory bosses, or people who exploit your vulnerability for gain.

🧩 How Someone Gets into Abuse...

“Every captured bird once thought the sky was safe.”

Abuse rarely begins with bruises. It begins with sweetness. With long texts and kind promises. With “you’re my everything” said in a way that feels safe until it becomes suffocating. Then slowly, the shifts happen:

You stop talking to your friends as much.

You stop wearing what you love because it “attracts attention.”

You stop disagreeing because it always turns into a fight.

You walk on eggshells to avoid someone's anger.

You doubt your memory or feelings. You question your boundaries and guilt tripped for having them.

It’s slow. It’s subtle. It’s psychological before it ever becomes physical.

By the time you realize something’s wrong, your self-esteem has been chipped away piece by piece until you can’t remember what your laughter sounded like before the fear.

And so, when people ask, “why didn’t you just leave?” they don’t understand that abuse is not a locked door, it’s a maze built by manipulation. And you are always trying to find your way out while someone keeps rearranging the exits.

🌪️ Types of Abuse...

“Abuse doesn’t wear one uniform. It comes dressed in manners, fear, and broken promises.”

Abuse isn’t just about visible scars. Sometimes it looks like silence so loud it deafens your soul.

• Physical abuse: hitting, slapping, choking, throwing objects anything that hurts or threatens your body.

• Sexual abuse: forced acts, non-consensual contact, manipulation into intimacy. Consent isn’t a whisper under fear, it’s a loud, confident yes.

• Emotional or psychological abuse: gaslighting, insults, control, humiliation, fear tactics.

• Financial abuse: restricting access to money, controlling spending, sabotaging work opportunities.

• Digital abuse: stalking online, hacking, sharing private information, using technology to control.

• Spiritual abuse: using faith or religion to shame, manipulate, or silence someone.

Each form leaves a mark, not always visible, but deeply carved into how a person sees themselves and the world. Sometimes, the hardest part of recovery is believing that what you went through wasn’t your fault.

🌍 Reality in Numbers: The Silent Epidemic...

“Behind each number lies a story we never heard.”

Statistics remind us how widespread this pain is yet how quietly it’s endured.

• 1 in 3 women globally have experienced physical or sexual violence.

• In Kenya, 47% of women aged 15–49 have experienced physical violence, and 14% have faced sexual violence.

• 1 billion children worldwide experience physical, emotional, or sexual violence each year (UNICEF, 2023).

• 1 in 6 men report experiencing physical or sexual violence before the age of 18.

• 1 in 10 elderly people experience elder abuse every year, most often from family members or caregivers

• Less than 40% of survivors seek help.

• Many survivors never report because they fear disbelief, shame, or retaliation.

• Emotional and psychological abuse remain the most underreported because there are no bruises to prove it.

Behind each statistic is someone’s sister, friend, daughter, son or colleague and sometimes, it’s us. These numbers are not just figures. They’re whispers of people who stayed quiet too long because society didn’t know how to listen.

🕊 The Psychological Echo: What Abuse Does to the Mind...

“A wound unseen still bleeds the longest.”

Abuse doesn’t end when the abuser leaves. It lingers, in the form of hypervigilance, trust issues, emotional detachment, or deep self-blame. Victims may find themselves apologizing too much, doubting their worth, or sabotaging healthy relationships because safety feels foreign.

These psychological wounds can manifest as:

• PTSD, anxiety, depression, panic attacks.

• Guilt, self-blame, emotional numbness.

• Dissociation - feeling detached from yourself.

• Trouble trusting others or forming healthy relationships.

• Flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, fatigue.

Healing is a long, slow unraveling. It takes time to believe you’re safe again. You start by reclaiming your body, by learning that quiet doesn’t always mean danger, by teaching yourself that safety can exist in your own hands.

🤝 How to Help Victims of Abuse...

“You cannot fix their story, but you can help them write the next page.”

If someone confides in you, don’t ask “why.” Ask “how can I help?” Believe them, even if the story sounds impossible. Be their calm when they’re trembling.

Offer practical help: call a hotline, connect them with a shelter, or help them find therapy. But most importantly, don’t rush them. Leaving isn’t a single moment; it’s a process.

When you listen without judgment, you remind them that kindness still exists. You become part of the bridge that leads them back to safety.

Holding abusers accountable is also way to help. Remember, accountability isn’t revenge, it’s justice with compassion. It’s saying, “I won’t let you pretend this didn’t happen.” Reporting, documenting, or speaking out when you’re ready can be an act of liberation. But accountability also means systems must work, laws must protect, not silence.

As a community, we need to stop excusing bad behavior as “just mistakes” and start recognizing it as abuse. No more glorifying apologies without change. No more shielding abusers because they’re “family” or “respected.” Healing begins when truth is spoken out loud.

🌹 Loving the Self After the Storm...

“You are not broken; you are the poem written after the flood.”

Healing from abuse begins with reclaiming your sense of self, the version of you that existed before pain tried to redefine you.

Start small:

• Take back your routines, your mirror time, your hobbies.

• Speak kindly to yourself, even if your voice shakes.

• Journal, cry, rest, laugh, scream; all forms of release are valid.

• Seek therapy or join support groups that understand your pain.

And if you’re reading this as a survivor, you are not weak for what happened to you. You are brave for still standing. You are healing even when it doesn’t feel like it. You are worthy of peace, love and gentleness.

🌻 To My Sunnies ☀️

“Leaving is not betrayal, it’s survival. Healing is not selfish, it’s sacred.”

To my dear Sunnies, I know this topic is heavy, but it’s necessary. If you are currently a victim of abuse, I need you to know this: you are not to blame. This is your sign to leave. To protect your peace, your light, your life. Even if they say they’ll change, please remember, apologies without action are manipulation in disguise. Real change doesn’t come from promises; it comes from accountability, and most abusers don’t seek it.

If you are a survivor, know this: what happened to you does not define you. Forgive yourself. You are not broken. You are rediscovering yourself piece by piece, and that is sacred work. Healing isn’t about rushing to forgiveness or pretending you’re fine, it’s about remembering that your story deserves peace.

If you love someone who’s a survivor, remember this: don’t force their healing timeline. Don’t ask them to “move on.” Just be there. Bring softness into their storm. Your patience, your presence, and your belief are powerful acts of love.

And if you’re reading this as someone who has never experienced abuse, become part of the movement that stops it. Educate yourself, listen more, judge less.

My Sunnies, let’s be the generation that believes survivors, that refuses to romanticize pain, that makes safety fashionable again.

💜 If You or Someone You Know Needs Help

Kenya:

• GBV Hotline: 1195 (24/7, toll-free)

• HELA Kenya: 0800 720 186

• Childline Kenya: 116

  
  

Global:

• UN Women Helplines: unwomen.org

• US National Domestic Violence Hotline: +1 800-799-7233

• UK National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247

If you can’t call, text. If you can’t text, whisper. Someone will hear you. 💫

To my sunnies, thank you for holding this space with me. If this blog moved you, please subscribe to stay part of our little sunlit community, where healing is soft, self-love is sacred, and every story matters. You can also listen to me on navigating life diaries for deeper conversations and follow me @_.selfcare_diary for daily reminders that you’re never alone in this journey.